November 30:  The band played at Irene's Pub in Ottawa last Saturday.  I was quite worried as I still had remnants of the cold.  My energy level was at an all time low.  I was saving every ounce of strength that I had and my throat was "tight" - afraid that I might end up with laryngitis.  The thought of cancelling the show came to my mind quite a few times but there was too much on the line.  I had to think of guys, our friends - Cloud City - who was to open up for us, a representative from the Blues radio station DAWG FM had confirmed her presence and of course, the continuous effort of breaking into new territories to share our music.  On the same evening, at another venue was a Blues' who's who list gracing their stage.  It seemed like the cards were stacked against us.  But you know me, I had to go for it and I was glad I did.  The house was not full but all the seats were taken!  Folks actually came out to see us!  Tables were even reserved! People came early, they were having supper, so we did a quick sound check -  the first verse of "All About Them".  As soon as we were done, some folks came to the merch table to purchase CDs and T-Shirts!  One gentleman said that based on the sound check, he was looking forward to dancing the night away - all from the sound check. WOW.  Then to top it off, at the end of the set, the crowd chanted tunes from our repertoire as an encore!  It was even amazing that when we did play the encore, they sang along!  I am honoured, humbled and grateful.  All the effort I placed into staking my market share...all the time I thought I was alone...they were always there listening.  Little triumphs that show that I may not be part of the in crowd, but I certainly am standing with the out crowd.  This is all worth it.

November 26:  Recieved an email today from a Kamloops, BC radio station 92.5FM.  Bad Taboo, the album, charts at #4 for the month of November! I feel blessed.

November 23:   I've been sick with a bad cold for the past week.  This is great timing for me settling into my alone-ness.  I had dreams that I can only recall bits and pieces of, but if I analyze them it all deals with 'focus'. Something about being so focused that I do not - can not - will not - have not had time to look around and see what 'the others' are doing. Thus adding to being alone.  For the past week I've been writing songs, watching TV, lurking on social media - mainly facebook.  Amongst the cute photos of bulldogs, pugs and smooshy-faced dogs I see good folks' need for sharing what is going on in their most personal lives, preaching their word - having arguments about it with others (goodness people, it's facebook!), gig promotions and the odd good deed. I myself posted a cry of frustration because of the nasty cold and what a response I received!  Much appreciated, I can tell you.  Then I continue to lurk, I see cliques - members of which overtly share their mutual adoration of each other - excluding others who post comments in the hope of being acknowledged, thus being part of their perceived "in-crowd".  It's all so subtle.  Then all of a sudden, I receive a private message from a slightly more than an acquaintance who attended most (if not all) my theatre productions. I must say, it was a nice message.  The gentleman stated how he was reminiscing about my feats as a Drama Impressario. WOW.  To be remembered is quite an honour. To be asked when is the next time that I will be mounting a play, is uplifting.  Being alone and true to one's convictions about their work isn't so bad.  I smile. I'm "in" with the "out" crowd.  I go on lurking, looking for cuteness on facebook.  I don't like cats.

November 11:  Whether it is family, friends or co-workers, humans have an inherent need to belong.  The urge to be an important part of something greater than themselves seem to coincide with the need to validate one's existence amongst the masses.  This need is perceived to be measured by the collection of accolades, medals, awards and sometimes, a simple pat on the back.  Other times, this need is clearly seen on social media with a full collection of so-called "friends" who are complete strangers and are not even acquaintances.  And yet, we see online memes and hear speeches on the virtues of alone-ness (as opposed to loneliness) and taking the road less travelled.  Maybe it is because we've changed clocks to daylight savings time or maybe it is because I see the year's end right around the corner.  I don't know what it is but every year at this time.  I feel like an open carcass exposed to the elements.  My deepest insecurities open to the world.  How has this year been?  Have I done enough for the guys in the band?  Have I done enough for the community?  Have I done enough?  With these thoughts, I find myself at minimum energy levels running on auto-pilot trying to not to dispense more energy than required so that I can do the bare minimum. The slightest critique or negation sets me off into useless questionings of self-worth. I walk carefully, each stride is meticulously measured. I am tired.  I am empty and wonder if there is a fire that can be re-ignited in me to continue on.  For now, I will stay alone. Breathing, giving out a little sigh.